how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
