I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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