when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
