An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
