I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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