i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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