i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just invented taco cereal.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
