YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
