this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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