Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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