This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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