i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
