the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
dude i'm inner monologue high
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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