is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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