I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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