my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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