I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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