yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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