I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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