they need to just BURY HIM!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
