I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
