Your mouth is God's brothel.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
