did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
