when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
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I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
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Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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