I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
