peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize