I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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