We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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