Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
