She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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