I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
