I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
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i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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