I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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