he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
