it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
