i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
