i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
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I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
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I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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