Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
