you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
3pm strippers are depressing
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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