I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
