why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
