Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
