and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
there is glitter all over my balls
what the fuck happened to the tacos
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
