Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
