I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
