I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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