She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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