Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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