we should wear snuggies to the strip club
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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