The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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