The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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