They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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