shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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