why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
