I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
