Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
