There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
