did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
